I have been a slacker this past week with the blog. I have no idea who all reads this but apparently it is the highlight of M2's day. He's been anxious for me to get back on board!
I have been struggling these past three days with tons of emotions. I have cried more than I care to admit. Even though I wanted to crawl in bed and stay there I kept busy. Yet, there were times I would be standing in a crowded store and just have the urge to scream out, "Do you have any idea what's going on here?". It probably only makes sense to a few of you but there are times when it's easier to be angry with everyone else than to just allow yourself to feel pain.
With things up in the air for us right now I am also dealing with a faith issue. M2 told me there was a good, very good, chance he would be home soon. I am the type of person that never gets her hopes up - I believe the worse. We were communicating via a chat service and I saw him type the potential return date followed with how it was in God's control and not man's. I involuntarily laughed. I could see a calendar and I also know how long it took him to travel to where he is now. It's going to take a LOT to make that happen. So I laughed. Then I instantly thought of Sarah. She laughed when God told Abraham she would have a child. I think it was the same kind of laugh. A "it's going to take a lot more than what you can do" thought. I know that NOTHING is impossible with God. That knowledge does not overthrow my lack of faith sometimes. I went and read some more about Sarah and realized her faith issue was quite the same as mine. She lacked faith in God to protect her when Abraham and she traveled to Egypt. She went along with her husbands crazy plot to pretend they were siblings ending up in her being married to the Pharaoh. God protected her anyways and it all worked out. She could have learned there. But then she lacks faith that God will actually make Abraham the Father of all nations through her so she offers up her maidservant who bears him a son. Not the right son though because then you have God coming back to say no Sarah is going to actually carry the child and this is where you have the laughing at God because she was an old lady who was told she would conceive thing. God instantly corrected her. I love my translation because in it God asks her why she laughed and she denies it and He says, "Yes, you did laugh". Just calling her right out! This pretty much sums up all I know about Sarah. She dies like a chapter after God gives her Issac as a son. You know that feeling you get after a great movie ends and you are left REALLY wanting to know what happens next? That's how I feel here because later on in the Hebrew's faith chapter she's named. She developed faith. It definitely developed over time because we see that she struggles with it throughout her life.
I get annoyed with myself when I doubt that God is in control because I have ALL of this evidence that he is. Like Sarah, I have a past FULL of God being in control.
I am striving now to let all of these worries go and relax. Most of you who know me well or talk to me on a daily basis know that I say, "It is what it is" a lot! That's just it, it is what it is and I cannot change it. I just heard someone say, "If you can't change the situation the only thing you can change is your attitude towards it". So very true. My attitude has sucked. I am sorry to ALL of you who I have spoken to recently with this horrible attitude. I am working on changing it now! Working being the key word there ;)!
Also, working acknowledging that God's timing is perfect. M2 may come back when he said or it may be later. Either way, God hasn't failed me. He has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." His plan will be perfect.
I am blessed to have the support I have. I love you all. Please continue to pray for me during this time!
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