What? It's November?!

November has arrived :(!

M2 graduates his career course tomorrow, which is a reminder that our time here is slowly coming to an end. This place I hated has become home to me! I have fallen in love with our friends here and I am not ready for this to end!

I really am tired of all the moving. All the uprooting. All the starting anew. I am very hopeful that the next place we land will have some sort of permanence to it. Please Army :)! When we get there it will be E's 10th house in 8 years.

November also marks the month M2 will be going off to a school where he will not be allowed any contact, written or otherwise, with the outside world. A month is nothing to us at this point. But no communication is something we have not had to deal with since M2's 03/04 deployment. Technology overseas wasn't all that great back then and he had a lot of longer, away from "camp" missions. So back then we went a month or so without communicating. It was hard. This past deployment the most we went without talking would have been about 4 or 5 days. So, I am not looking forward to not hearing from him at all for this month. Plus, we won't really be having a Thanksgiving since he will not be here. Oh well. There are lots of other friends out there who will be having Thanksgiving without their soldiers as well.

Speaking of that! The 3/1 is nearing the end of it's deployment! I am so happy for all my friends who will soon be holding their loved ones in their arms again! Please continue to be in prayer as these last few weeks/months pass for them and pray especially for safety in their travels home.

Have a happy, thankful month!

The calm after the storm

It started with a donut and ended with a broken heart.

E, our oldest, has a LOT of food restrictions.

I have blogged several times in the past about what the "diet" entails and why we chose to try it and the results we have gotten. In case you missed that though, in a nutshell ...

- no artificial anythings, (dyes, sweetners)

- no preservatives,

- no pesticides,

- and more recently limited grains/dairy.

Pretty much adhering to it has been the hardest, most satisfying accomplishment of my parenthood thus far. When we stick to it 100% then that child can accomplish amazing things. When we slip up, which happens, then we see what we call "the fog" set in and when "the fog" sets in then my pre-schooler can get more done than E. She struggles understanding simple things and is more emotional than a pregnant woman. We deal with outbursts that usually end in some form of violence and 24/48 hours of non-stop crying! We all suffer. Before the diet change we were considering medicating for that reason alone - of course it was hard to see E suffer but it was harder watching the entire family suffer along the emotional roller coaster of her life. Since the change our family has grown closer by leaps and bounds. It's because of all this that I am so darn strict, controlling, of what she gets a hold of. Because children are sinners ... and as sinners we all want to eat that forbidden fruit no matter the ugly consequences.

Sundays are hard. We go to a Southern Baptist church in the South. Pretty much that translates to large helpings of sugary food around every corner on every Sunday morning. E has had a lot of experience with telling people "no thank-you". Her pediatrician explained to her last year that these restrictions were not optional any longer and were allergies and she would need to start explaining to people what she was allergic to. We encourage her to tell what she wants. If that's just "I am allergic to sugar" then thats great, if she feels the need to say, "I have a form of autism aggravated by those foods", then good for her. If she would prefer, "If I eat that then I will turn into a horn-bearing creature that will torment those around me for days and my mother will force you to take me home with you!" then even better!! We want her to obey the rules but still remain comfortable in the setting.

Back to Sunday ...

She can now go off by herself to her class. She loves the independence. My class is just right down the hall. As I was walking to my class I caught a glimpse of her sitting alone, almost hiding in the back corner of her class. I wanted to just go in and remind her that she was suppose to start trying to join the group. That's when I saw the panicked look on her face and the tears streaming down her cheeks as she shoved the last of a donut in her mouth. I could have been mad ... but I wasn't. I just wanted to hold her in that moment because I realized she acted impulsively and even before she was done with the action she felt bad for doing it. When she saw me she burst into wails that drew the attention of the adults in the room. I took her into the hallway and she instantly started telling me she felt so bad for the decision and she already knew how she was going to feel and ended with a, "I promise when I feel bad tomorrow I will control it". If only it were that easy.

Yesterday was HELL. She cried over simple addition (she's been multiplying for weeks). She slapped, punched, yelled, snatched ... all the while I feebly attempted to remind her of her promise. But there was no use. She knew her thinking was foggy and she knew exactly why and I have never seen a child regret a decision so much. She couldn't taste the donut anymore ... the temporary "feel good" of the sin was gone, leaving behind the ugliness of it. The only consolation when this happens is that maybe she will learn this lesson at 8 and not 18. The consequences of instant gratifications last longer than an instant.

This morning when she woke up and sat reading calmly in her bed, I realized the "other" E was back. (My grandfather use to say there were 2 "E's", the good and the bad) The morning was so smooth and she was even able to finish school by lunch, a rarity. After lunch she brought me a book called, "Different Like Me". She got it from the library recently and it is about other famous people who had autism traits. She wanted to tell me something about Isaac Newton but instead she ended up telling me about how happy and sad she was that she had Aspergers. She let me in like she never has before. She said she felt special because she could do so many things kids her age couldn't and that made her happy, but she was sad because no matter how hard she tried those girls in her Sunday School class would never be her friends, they would never understand her. She let me know she didn't think there was a place she'd "fit in". She cried. I cried. A good calming cry - nothing like the raging storm of the day before.

After we talked and reconciled all that happened - I saw a more confident, content, calmed E emerge.

It was a simple reminder that when our bad choices put us in a dark place that hope is always around the corner. God can take us from that ugly place and emerge us better people if we allow Him to. Staying in that place of regret is where the harm lies.

It almost made me glad for the donut ... almost.

"It's not funny"

My youngest came into this world and completely stole my heart and unfortunately she knows it. She is the one that would rather lay in bed an extra 15 minutes in the morning if it means she can snuggle with me. She's the one that randomly runs up to me and throws her arms around me or showers me with kisses. She sneaks up to me each morning during breakfast and patiently waits for me to share with her. She doesn't really have to ask, those huge eyes behind her glasses pleading up at me is all it takes! Since the day she was born she has been able to make herself content wherever she is and because of that I hardly ever have to discipline her. If the answer is no she will be the first to accept that and move on. I honestly don't know what our family would be like without her!

All of that to say she would probably float through life fine, charming those she needs to charm along the way if it weren't for One.Little.Thing. That child is the MOST sarcastic individual alive. Sarcastic and honest. So - mostly sarcastically honest. Not good combinations. If you are sarcastic in a joking manner - that can fly. If you are just brutally honest in a sincere way - that might work too. BUT - if you are honest with sarcasm dripping from your lips - well that doesn't always fare well!

Folding laundry together, I pulled out her character shirt from the movie Tangled. It was all twisted up so I remarked to her, hey look this is "tangled". I chuckled at my play on words. She looked up at me and said, "I know you think that is funny because the shirt is a Tangled shirt and it's tangled up, but it's not funny, sooo give me my shirt." All I could do was hand over the shirt in shock while trying to remind myself 4 year olds should not be able to hurt my feelings! I don't think for a second she is trying to be disrespectful.

That is just how she is ... so I am praying extra hard for her husband now!

Complain Campaigns

Somedays I get fed up with my kids. (*gasp*)

It's not that I don't love them - I do. They are pretty much the best kids I have ever met and most times I am proud to call them mine. For example, this Sunday I had to be a helper in the pre-school on Sunday morning. Completely NOT my favorite thing to do! They combined the 4 and 5 year olds for about 20 minutes for a film. The kids were suppose to be sitting still and watching the film but it was TOTAL chaos. Kids were using chair legs to sword fight, climbing on window sills, climbing on tables, licking the floors, you name it and it was being done! I tried, oh did I ever try, to get them seated and listening. It was no use! I gave up and leaned against the back wall to watch the chaos unfold when another helping mom commented to me on how she thought the movie might be boring to that age group because there happened to only be 2 kids sitting still watching, participating. I proudly exclaimed, "That's because those two belong to me!". (It so came across as a snide comment but it was not intended that way!) My two little ones were either convicted that church was not the place for rough housing OR they were TERRIFIED to misbehave with Mommy in the room. Either way I let them know how proud I was to be their mom!

Yet - I am with these same 3 people almost every hour of every day! My only break during the week is the hour or so I participate in a local crossfit group. And even then they are just one room away! I never regret giving up myself to be home with them. I never regret homeschooling. But let me tell you - that is TOO much time to spend with someone without the occasional feeling of not being able to stand them! Yep, I said it. Sometimes I cannot STAND them! They plan "complain campaigns" against me where they coordinate with each other so that someone is complaining in some capacity every minute of every waking hour! And I used to feel guilty for the moments when I could not stand them.

Until this morning that is.

In Brett's Bible study we have been talking about the wandering Israelites. In case you did not know this already, they wrote the manual on complaining. It's called Exodus and Numbers. All they do is complain. As we picked up our reading in Numbers this morning, they were of course complaining again. This time they wanted meat and they set their minds on complaining until they got it. Sound familiar, parents? I was shocked when Moses, who has tolerated a lot of complaining and on several accounts has cried out to God FOR his people, this time cries out to God asking why he has to lead such a childish group of whining people who are never thankful for ANYTHING he does for them or God does for them and all they want to do is sit around and cry and he finishes out with asking God to just go ahead and kill him so he doesn't have to listen to it anymore. (That was paraphrased - greatly paraphrased!) Basically - Moses could not stand them anymore! God appoints Moses helpers to deal with the complaining and also gives the people what they want - LOTS of quail. So much that the people get sick and some even die. Careful kids what you ask for :)!

Back to my point - It is completely acceptable as parents to get burned out. There will be moments, months maybe, where we have a hard time "standing" those we have been blessed with. They will complain us to almost death! But God hears our tired, exhausted cries. He will send us help and we will eventually be able to see the fruits of our labors. Moses stuck with the people and was able to look over and see the Promised land. If we stick with parenting the way God tells us, which can be hard and exhausting, then one day we will look over at that kid we had such a hard time with and see a grown, mature adult we are proud to call ours!

(Or we can give them all the quail they want until it kills them.)

Who could not stand those cute faces!

Butterflies ...

For the past 8 years now, M2 and I have barely spent a moment truly alone. As soon as we had E he moved roughly 7500 miles away! Talk about cold feet regarding parenthood ;)!

Ever since that child was born I have had a difficult time spending more than a night away. As soon as he returned from that first deployment we decided to move across country. E was turning a year and we thought it best for her to fly out to Oregon with her Nana while we did the long move out there with a Uhaul. After the long separation we were ecstatic to be able to spend a week on the road together! Then came that first night in the hotel room, alone, with no E. I PANICKED! The next day was harder, looking back I am amazed at my insanity, we, mainly me, decided that a week long trip with romantic stops was not necessary after all and we should just book it on over there and collect my child! Not that I did not trust she'd be fine - I actually missed her. Crazy, I know!

Luckily, we lived the next 3 years close to Nana and Gramps and we had the occasional "night out" and one weekend alone on the Oregon coast that resulted in B! I had the hardest time leaving B. He would not drink from a bottle which meant I had to be available at least once every 4 hours. He was well over one the first time I left him for a weekend. We went back over to the Oregon coast to have a "babymoon" since we were expecting EL's appearance soon. It was nice and relaxing but FULL of anxiety about B spending 2 days without me. Haha - 2 days!

Looking back on our 3 years in Oregon so close to so many friends and family, M2 and I laugh that we should have known better and taken more time together - alone. Once we moved from there - we've been moving constantly. Finding someone to babysit has been hard. There were a few times we got lucky over the past 4 years and found someone to keep them all 3 for a night. But I can count those times on one hand.

So this year we decided that we would take a weekend away somewhere in celebration of the 10 years we have spent married. The perfect opportunity came up when M2 was told he would be going on a staff ride to New Orleans and was allowed to take his spouse! Not only are we going to get a weekend together but someone else planned it! If you know us, you know this is what it takes for us to do anything - someone else to plan it! Thankfully, M2's aunt and my sister agreed to tag- team for the weekend and take care of the kiddos. I will forever be grateful!

I am ECSTATIC!!

Tomorrow starts our "mini" vacation! I am resolved to not ask M2 ONE time what he thinks the kids are doing, how they are feeling, can he please call and find out?, or anything child related! What I AM going to do is spend 4 days remembering who M2 is as a husband not just a father. Nourishing a relationship that hasn't had a chance to relax in quite awhile. And to find a moment in there where I feel butterflies in my stomach once again from just holding his hand .... people it's possible even after 10 years - I promise!

Make your neighbor be you?

For as long as E has been able to listen we have tried to pound into her the biblical saying "treat your neighbor as yourself". Watching the way she treats her siblings and friends you'd think she has never ONCE listened! She has that "oldest" complex and demands that everything be done her way, every game that is played be her idea, every meal we eat be what she wants.

We are starting our 4th week of school. We LOVE the curriculum we chose this year. We went through a company called Sonlight and they assemble the entire year for you. Everything you need - even supplies. It's great! It cost about the same as a used car would have but, hey, it's worth it if I don't have to do anything but follow a manuel! The company is a Christian company, therefore most of the curriculum they chose to utilize is bibical - yet they still use secular science resources and several secular books. I love this - it means that my child can still hear about God in school - yet not be shocked when she hears something different when she sets her feet in "real" school again.

ALL of this to say that every morning E has to begin school with a Bible reading from the Old Testament and one from the New. This morning her passage from the New happened to be the one in Luke about treating your neighbor as yourself. She was sitting on the couch reading and I looked over and saw a very puzzled look on her face. She looked over at me and said, "I think I might have just learned something from the Bible". I giggled inside and asked her what. She tells me that she read the passage about treating your neighbor as yourself and that after it says that it gives several examples. She promptly adds here that I have never given her an example (What a HORRIBLE parent am I?) and that now she knows she was not understanding me correctly. She thought if you treat someone as yourself - you make them do what yourself would do. Naturally - right?! Make your neighbor be you?! If Brett was playing legos and it was not the way she would play with them then the biblical thing to do would be to stop him and make him play the "right" way. The E way. In her mind she had that adage down!

Not sure if this will change her little world or not. But as she was putting away her books she sighed and said, "Now that I know I can stop trying to make them be me I bet I won't ever get in trouble again."

If only it will work that easily ... and if only I could believe that it was all do to my non-explanation of a saying that has led to her selfish ways ... In reality, I think she is about to learn how hard it is to "treat someone as yourself".

Leaving the "closed door" behind.

I am giving up.

I obviously have not done a great job at keeping up with this thing since leaving my life behind.

There lies the problem .... I have felt like I have "left my life behind". I have sat here day after day thinking about my life as if it is somewhere else.

Not here.

After a long, and I mean looonnngg, week of tears being shed over something that will never be again I am choosing to move on. Even if right now I do not like that my life is here - this is where it is and I need to chose to make the best of what is now. Therefore, I am ending this segment of my blog.

A very bright woman once said, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us". That was Helen Keller.

It's so very true here. I have looked back so intently on the happiness I had at Knox that I have almost failed to realize that M2 is here! And that he won't be here forever. He will leave again - so NOW is the time to soak him up. For our family to soak up unity.

This post will officially end this chapter of my life. My husband is home. I will still ache for those who are not and my thoughts will ever be with my friends who are pressing on towards that 365 day mark.

Here's the light at the end of the tunnel!

I am STILL going to blog! I am going to express the joys and woes of my "now". I have missed it. And there have been so many times I have wanted to blog about something that just happened and then had an overwhelming guilt that it was not related to my dear life with the 2-2. So - guilt behind me - I am moving on. I am sure Knox and it's WONDERFUL ladies will still make it into my blog plenty! I am actually going back in a few weeks to run a Rugged Maniac race with them!

Thanks to those that, through reading this, prayed for our family during those months that we were apart, we FELT every one. Thank you to those that continue to pray for those that are not home yet. And more than anything - Thank you to all those that made my life at the 2-2 almost unbearable to leave behind.

So not really giving up - but more like going on ...

Day 157 - Missing the girl!

So - first off - my dear friends are almost to the half way point of their deployment. Some have already reached that point and many have had the chance to see their husbands for R&R and most are about to get that chance soon! I am excited for them. Also, if you are praying for them - please continue. I have heard this is a sobering week for them as they have lost another soldier, brother, friend. They are all in my heart!

Secondly, CAMP!!!!

I was pretty much a nerd in high school. Let's face it. I was one of those kids that went to summer school in HS just to get ahead the next year. I remember my sophomore summer I took Junior English just because I could. Then my Junior year I was devastated that I missed out on taking English with all my friends. My Junior summer I decided to take a break from "getting ahead" and work at the summer camp up the hill from my boarding school. It was AWESOME! I met some of my truest friends to this day there at that camp and I ended up working there for 3 summers. One of the most amazing people I got to know was this handsome red head named Matt. I already knew Matt through my best friend and I didn't much care for him. But it was at summer camp that I REALLY got to know him! I thought he was amazing and still do to this day. My last summer he did not work and that was also the summer we got married. I remember always having conversations about what it was going to be like when we sent our own kid to camp one day. Like that time would EVER roll around.

Well it has! And she is there! And I miss her SOOO much! My mind is constantly on what she is doing every moment of the day. I keep thinking about that camper that I had one year in Apache that cried EVERY night. We never called her mom. What if my baby is crying every night? Would they call me? What if she is cold? I check the temp in that city on weather.com every 15 or so minutes and I think about right now at a cool 76 she is holding her arms and in need of a long sleeve that her mom NEGLECTED to provide. And it's raining, well it's stopped for a bit according to the site, but it will start back up and she is going to be camping out in the rain tonight! Once I saw a pack of coyotes in those woods. I lied to my cabin and told them they were Roscoe, the camp dog's, puppies. What if they aren't harmless?!?!

The one thing I do KNOW though is that when she comes home she will have just experienced the best week of her life. She will be asking me for months "How many more days till next summer?". And she will be completely in love with 2 counselors and want to tell me everything about them. How nice they were and how loved she felt. She will come back with a better understanding of Jesus' love for her. Because if there is one thing I KNOW - it's that those people working there at that camp are some of the most loving people in the world. I am so grateful she gets to experience this week. And a little jealous!

And ready to go get her on Saturday morning!

My little Shawnee!

Day 149 - When life is boring.

There was a point around 4 months ago where all I wanted was for life's busy schedule to give me a break. My days were always filled with either gym, children's activities/play dates/FRG events/coffee's/bible studies/time with friends ... I would always be rushing home to either make it in time to put a kid on the bus or get kids off the bus. By the end of those days I was exhausted. All I wanted was a slower pace.

Now I know that is the most RIDICULOUS thing in the world to want!

My body is still stuck on that schedule. The one where waking up any later than 6am meant the whole day was going to be off. Having to have the kids dressed and fed and one on a bus by 7:20. Needing to rush through daily cleaning between appointments because otherwise it would not get done in the hecticness of the day. Stuck on that schedule.

Here's the problem. I get up early. Drink my coffee. See my husband off to work. Eat breakfast. Feed and clothe my children. Do the dishes. Clean the kitchen. Dust. Vacuum. Sweep. Mop. Take out recycling and trash. Do ALL the laundry even folding and putting away. While I am doing all of this the kids are playing hard outside and then coming in and watching cartoons to cool off. By the end of this daily routine - it's ONLY 10am. Some mornings I will then take the kids to the pool for a few hours. But then it's only noon. We are all left doing everything we could possibly want to do or get done in a day by noon and we are bored.

So here I am wanting that schedule that I so dreaded because at the end of the day it left me fulfilled and content. M2 is telling me all the time to find joy wherever you are in life. I see the problem with not doing that. You will always be wanting some other point in life to be your "now".

So - here's to finding the joy in this s l o w paced life.

Day 148 - Army Wives

First off - I want to make something clear. I was not an Army Wives fan before this past deployment. I actually could not stand the show. I made that judgement based off a 30 minute segment I watched which, in my opinion, was not reality. When M2 left though I started watching it from the beginning, thanks to Netflix. I am still quite aways away from catching up to the current seasons shows but I am making progress.

I would still say that a lot of the story lines in the show are not based in reality but there is something that would draw me back to the show. A friend of mine hit the nail on the head. The emotions. We can all, as Army Wives, identify with the emotions of the show. I would sit and watch and CRY as I felt what they were feeling. There was not a single episode that I watched in which I didn't cry at some point.

The crying wasn't really that big of a deal seeing that there was also not many songs I could listen to that wouldn't have me pulled over on the side of the road in tears. When M2 came home ALL of those emotions vanished. I don't think I would even be able to force myself to cry to a sad song at this point. This is a good thing! I assumed watching Army Wives would prove to be the same.

I was wrong.

Last night I watched the episode where they are running in a challenge race against the marine wives. The one where Pamela and Roxy get stuck with Denise's HORRIBLE sisters and Denise tells her sisters, mid race, that her army friends had been more of sisters to her than them. (If you watch you know what I am talking about - those that don't, sorry!) I was watching this on my kitchen TV as I cooked and I just started crying. The emotions were so strong, yet different.

Before I was mourning the absence of my husband. Now I find myself mourning the absence of my "sisters". I don't even have phone reception where I can call them and talk about things. I went from being so busy I could hardly think to having NOTHING to do most of my day and the change is proving challenging. Isn't change always challenging?! Or is that just me?

The good news in just over a week I will get to spend some time with one of my Knox friends! This is the benefit of living so close to the beach - people have to vacation!

Day 142 - Updates!

So here is my official update blog!

We are now fully settled into our new house, at the new post, in the middle of nowhere! It's officially the hottest place on earth. Seriously. I miss KY.

It took us a little over 15 days to actually get here and get our stuff moved in. We took some time in Mississippi to get readjusted as a family. It was great. We camped a lot and stayed in places throughout MS that mostly had little to no reception for our cells and no computer access. This was the perfect plan since it gave us a chance to be a family - undistracted.

I pouted for the first few days after we arrived on Rucker. It is not Knox and surprisingly enough - my friends were not here. My neighbors were not the same ones I had a month ago! My CSA was not operating here and my local meat farmer didn't come along either. And lastly, my wonderful gym and trainer were also missing. Who would have thought it?! So, in my true style - I acted like a baby and whined and complained and whined some more but then I got it together!

I found a local, organic CSA - joined them right away, I am eating some wonderful squash spaghetti right now! I met my neighbors and they are actually pretty cool. I purchased an entire lamb from a local farmer and it is hanging right now preparing to be processed and will feed our family for the whole time we are here! And lastly, I searched for a gym to no avail but then decided to jump in and try a Crossfit club (I'm dying right now because of that choice!). So, I feel like I have jumped in with both feet and am now refusing to sit around for 6 months pouting over leaving Knox.

As far as an update on M2. He is doing MUCH better. He is driving now and actually jogged tonight! His class started this week and I think he is feeling better. There are still times that I think he feels the same way I do and longs to be back on Andar with the guys that were his support. Don't get me wrong. Both of us our overwhelmingly joyful that we are back as a family again. We are so thankful for this opportunity. Just sometimes we can both become overwhelmed with the suddenness of it and what we left behind.

Which brings me to my next point! Many of you may be confused as to why I am still counting days on my blog. Well there are actually 2 reasons. 1. I HAVE to blog. I spend most of my days speaking to 3 midgets that don't understand adult. At the end of the day I need someone to just let all my adultness out on. M2 is NOT that person. This outlet is perfect! 2. More importantly, I still feel intricately linked to this deployment. My "family" is still going through it. I will still be joyful with them and grieve with them. Some of the best friends I have ever had are struggling right now and so my goal remains the same - to make others aware of what goes on in families lives during a 365 day deployment. 2-2 is still my family. My heart will be with them until that last plane unloads.

Some of you may find it offensive that I continue to count days that I no longer have to face alone. Or that I still occasionally blog about a unit that I am no longer part of. All I have to say is that those that I love already understand and that is all that matters to me.

As for all you Knox girls - I miss you all!!!!

Day 141 - Finally back!

I am back from my hiatus.

Whew! That was a long move. We are now all moved into our new home and adjusting to this sudden change of pace and place. I was going to use this break from my hiatus to catch everyone up on all that has gone on the last 30 something days and update on M2's health issues but something early this morning on FB caught my eye and I HAD to share it.

I know I sound like a broken record when I say that I met some of the MOST amazing people at Fort Knox but it is so true and worthy of constant repeating! One of those amazing women was "M". "M"'s husband was scheduled to come back early like M2 and go on to a different career path within the military. She was so kind with encouraging words to me when I was feeling guilty over M2 getting to come back and leaving everyone behind. She could empathize. It seemed like as soon as I read those encouraging words and felt like I had a comrade in the making, "M"'s husband was injured. Severely. He lost a leg and the other one was in bad shape. He was coming home early. But not as planned. I have watched through the "notes" "M" has written an amazing strength that encourages me more than anything because honestly - that situation sucks. I have no better words for it. Where some would sit and wail and woe is me - her husband and her and her children have pushed on.

PEOPLE - this is what our soldiers are made out of. THIS is what our families are made out of. Strength. A strength that is hard to comprehend. A strength that is overwhelming.

I wish everyone of you had a chance to meet an "M". To actually see what war is asking, calling of our men and women.

This morning I logged onto FB and her post was first up on my newsfeed. It read

"(M) is tearfully watching a formation of wounded warriors--young men missing limbs, sporting wheelchairs, crutches and canes. All of you who don't care enough to vote--and research your candidates so you know what you are voting for--should have to watch this every day. Whether you wanted it or not, America, this is your war and your responsibility."

This is America's war - this is your war. You are part of it. We are all part of it and we should all bear the burdens of it with those that have borne the cost with the giving of their bodies and lives. Another issue I harp on too much probably but I don't care - that the outside world (non-military) for the most part seems to be forgetting that we are fighting a war still. That men are still giving their limbs and lives for your "freedom". And that wars are always on the horizon and it will take a great leader to navigate the necessary and unnecessary because war is an ugly thing that should be avoided at all cost. So if that's you - then wake up! Go to your nearest Veteran's hospital or wounded warrior post and look at war. It's there. You'll see it in the eyes of those soldiers in that formation.

Remember "M" and her family as they trek along the road of recovery.

Day 103 - When you can't do it all!

My biggest weakness in life has always been asking or accepting help. I like to be able to do everything and take care of everyone. I have been doing that since I was 7 years old and it is a HARD habit to break!

This morning with news that M2 was not progressing as hoped I realized I seriously could not do this by myself. I am already shuffling 2 kids with me everywhere and doing about a million things! I can't predict how the next 2 weeks will be but at this point I know that I can not clear this post and move us and keep this house together and take care of M2 and take care of 3 children and a dog by myself. So I am going to accept some help and let the 2 little ones go take a "vacation" to the 'sippi for the next 2 weeks. That relieves a HUGE load off my shoulders and lets me just be able to concentrate on M2 and moving. E will stay to finish school but she is at the age where she is more a help than a hindrance when it comes to getting things done. Not that my precious other 2 are hindrances - but one hangs on my leg all day and the other one gets stepped on every time I turn around so that isn't conducive to moving :)! I am sure they will be fine and have a great vacation! I am forever grateful that I married a man with an outstanding family that have always been very supportive and I am SO grateful for his aunt and uncle who have offered this help!

I have a TREMENDOUS amount of help offered here as well and I have never been more grateful to live in a military community where I have more "family" than in real life. I am and will be forever grateful to you all and I finally said yes and have accepted help from several of those wonderful people.

I feel at peace tonight and I feel better than I have in 3 days about this situation. I am looking on the positive for tomorrow and I am so hopeful that M2 will be home soon and recover fully!

Day 102 - Just when you think ...

This has been a very long and trying day. As many of you know, M2 landed in the hospital yesterday with a condition known as Rhabdomyolysis. He fell ill Monday and continued to think that he was fine and just sore and tired. Wednesday morning things drastically got worse and I took him to the ER. Thank goodness we did that. He will be in the hospital until his CK(?) levels drop below 4000. They are currently at 36000. Normal peoples are 200. When admitted his were 41000 so we are making some SLIGHT progress going down. Although the staff at the hospital wanted to see that number cut in half by today so we faced a little bit of discouragement with that. Also, today his pain level has increased so I think he is feeling a little discouraged with that as well. He wants to just be home and help with everything and that is not what his body needs right now.

In case I have failed to mention to my blog audience - we have movers coming in THIRTEEN days!! I am trying to take everything in stride but this evening I am falling apart a little. I am so incredibly OVERwhelmed and yet I can't seem to focus enough to make a decision about what I should do at this point. I have family the kids can go and stay with possibly while I get all this stuff here taken care of - but it's the end of E's time here and she needs these last 2 weeks to say goodbye. Or does she? B and EL are facing a little trauma from Daddy being home and all the sudden gone again. I seriously feel paralyzed from making decisions. I am just focusing on the one day at a time in hopes that we will make it through this with everything we need to get done and that M2 will be able to go do this thing he has been SO incredibly passionate about. Because it seems like after everything, just when you think it is all going to be okay ... the ROOF CAVES IN!!

That's not what is happening here though ... I am just venting my current feelings. I know I will wake up tomorrow and be able to just get this all done and I know this is in God's hands.

Prayers for M2 tonight.

Day 97 - A great night continued

Last night I was able to spend almost 7 hours outside of the house kid free with all my favorite girls! We had a BLAST!

We went to see Water For Elephants and then to a Japanese Steakhouse for "supper" (yes, that's what it's called - don't know what this "dinner" thing is!) and ended the evening with a late night pie run to Frisch's "Baby" Boy. I think it is actually suppose to be Big Boy but we have one girl in the group who insisted on calling it Baby Boy!

All of these girls are currently going through this deployment so it was VERY nice to get to see them all laugh and smile and look care free for the moment!

I am a huge proponent of inside jokes. I love them. I know it annoys the heck out of all the people that do not have a clue as to what is being said but it's always nice to have something that just one group can relate to or identify with. Makes the memories more unique and special.

So some VERY good one liners from last night ...

"... and that's why we were outside humping big boy ... "

"like hand blown glass ..."

"I can just see ----- coming in to borrow the nintendo and picking it up and say hey what's this ..."

"Ok woman I can be down here on my knees all night!'

"FRISCH"S BABY BOY ... PIIEEEE"

And I am totally throwing this one in from today because it is as equally great of a memory...

"what about the Big Red One patch?"

Someday when I am very lonely and missing you girls I will look back on this post and read these lines and LAUGH and probably miss you all a little more. I will mostly be laughing at the recurring theme I see here! But at the same time I will be joyously reliving these last few nights out I get to have with you all!

So - It's been dubbed the best night ever! It was pretty great. And I will say we owe it all to my incredible husband! He really came through for us and watched and additional 6 children plus our own 3 for the almost 7 hours! He rocked. It was also so nice to see those kids get some male interaction with all the daddy's deployed. Today some of the girls had to come over so we could practice for an upcoming dance we are doing and they brought their kids back - it was great to see them all crowd M2! I am so thankful that he was courageous enough to do that for us!

Speaking of him - tomorrow is extra special! It's Easter and his birthday!

Here is a GREAT pic of our group!

Day 96 - A great night!

"And that was why we were outside humping Big Boy ... "

to be continued ...

Day 94 - "Reintegration"

There is only one thing harder for me than to say goodbye to M2 when he leaves - reintegrating him into our lives.

Most of you army wives will totally get this but I think it might be harder for some of you who don't have long periods of your life you spend away from your spouse to understand. He's home safe and we are together - what could be so difficult? Right?

For me, it doesn't matter if it's a 15 day field training exercise , 30 days spent at NTC, 90 days in Afghanistan, or a year in Africa - It's all the same when it comes to reintegrating our family. I actually like the word "amalgamate". The Oxford Dictionary defines the word as "combine or unite to form one organization or structure". This is exactly our goal - to unite again as one.

So what's so hard? Well, when M2 leaves I become fiercely independent. Matter of fact, until M2 came into my life I considered myself the most independent person I knew. It's a different type of independence as well. If he were going on a business trip to Europe or something - I'd still have to become independent to make it while he was away. But this is different. Sending a husband to war requires a different, unique independence. Not only are we in need of being able to do everything for our families alone - we are learning to brace ourselves for the chance he may not return and we will need to do this forever. We become stronger, unfortunately sometimes harder, individuals. This is a hard thing to just snap out of the second he gets home.

On top of that I have to keep our family on a tighter, stricter routine because there is only one adult. The laxed household that we ran together becomes a well oiled machine that runs like clock work! I have a schedule that, for once, isn't effected by someone else meaning that most days it goes off without a hitch. Then M2 comes home ... "wah wah wah" ...

EVERYTHING changes.

There is someone here to challenge my independence. There is someone here who also has a schedule that does not correlate with mine. There is another person disciplining our children COMPLETELY different than usual. There is an adult in my home!! AHH!!!

Most of these things will eventually work themselves out. It is a hard, sometimes painful process. I will give up a lot of that independence because that is what we need to be able to function as a united couple and that hard exterior that I have built for the "In cases" will eventually sloth off. Our schedules will start to coincide as we both communicate what we need and each of us adjust. And eventually it will feel normal to me again to have an adult in my home!

Eventually. I sure hope eventually hurries up!

Yet, don't get me wrong! I LOVE that he is home again. I just want people to understand that the coming home process can be challenging and difficult. Something that, especially if you are a first time army family, you definitely need to prepare yourself for!!

Day 91 - My girls!

I went to my last OFS (Operation Faithful Support) group tonight. It was a very sad realization for me!! It was a great night though. I love the OFS group and the topics and discussion but I also LOVE that after every OFS meeting a group of us girls go out to Mexican afterwards!

This by no means includes all the girls I have grown to love here but this is a group of some of my closest and dearest!

Yes girls there was a better picture of all of us looking at the camera but this one was TOO funny and I think represented this group well! Very typical!

Can I come up once a month and still go to your OFS meetings?!?!

Tomorrow starts M2's reintegration and clearing process. I have lots of anxiety about getting everything done that needs to be done in the short time we have but I know somehow it always works out. This will not be the first time we have moved last minute! The GREAT news is that the new post already assigned us a home so unlike when we moved here we don't have to worry about being homeless for a few weeks/months!

Still I want to scream when I think about the word "moving"!!! So for as long as I can I will not think about it - I will soak up ALL the time I can from my friends and this post and this community!!

Day 90 - Say a prayer

I have decided I will continue to blog throughout this year. Yes, my soldier is home but I feel like I have a small place where I might be able to make known the needs and struggles of all my friends who are still going through this year and also a glimpse into how army life changes in an instant. So I really hope to continue this for them.

I will keep in touch with these girls and their families and I will continue to ask of you a great pouring out of prayer and support for them.

This journey will not come to an end for me until every single one of my friends are holding their loved ones again.

So, on this day I ask you to pray for our 2-2 girls. This has been a VERY hard week for them. Pray for the recovery of those injured and for the family of the one that will not return to us. Pray for the men that are still there as they have to process all of this so fast in order to be able to get back to the mission at hand. Pray for the families of those attending to their injured soldiers. Pray for the families of those who are in a constant state of fear for when their turn may come.

My thoughts feel scattered this morning but I know that God knows what they are and who they are for. I love you all.

Day 89 - Home at last!

My soldier is FINALLY home!!

We had pretty good intel that he would be arriving this evening so I took the kids out of school and planned an entire day of keeping myself busy so that I would not get overwhelmed with anxiety!

Woke up, went to a chiropractic appointment, went to the gym and had a grueling workout, went shopping at Target for poster board to make welcome home signs and while I was standing in line all nasty and sweaty from the gym I get a phone call from M2 saying he was actually coming in early. I had 2 hours to get to the airport. Problem was I happened to be 30 minutes from my house which is then another hour from the airport. I panicked at the thought of meeting him looking, not to mention smelling, the way I did!!

Luckily though that flight was delayed for JUST long enough for me to get home, shower and make some posters!

The kids and I got there just as he was walking past security. There little faces LIT up and ironically, my half blind child was the first to spot him and take off running! Being little and squatty like she is though the other 2 had plenty of time to catch up. This caused an argument for the rest of the evening as to who actually touched him first.

I did not expect the overwhelming flood of emotion and relief that came over me. My world spun and at that moment everything was right again. The second my own arms got around him I knew this was all too real. I knew that at least for that moment he was safe and we were going to be okay.

When we were able to talk we both realized that we had both dealt with doubt that we would actually see each other. I was still thinking of the possibilities of what could happen to his plane and he was in return considering what could happen to us on the drive to the airport.

We are reunited, though and I am so thankful to God!

I have failed to mention the family member who showed the MOST love to M2. Yuma, our dog, was ecstatic. She definitely kissed him the most!!

As I am here with my beloved my thoughts and prayers are with our men and families that are still apart. I have an especially heavy heart this evening for one family - a wife I was just beginning to really get to know. She has been in my thoughts every second of M2's reunion with us and I want everyone who reads this to also be thinking and praying for our families that have injured loved ones that might be returning home under different circumstances.

Let us not forget ... let us remain vigilant in prayer.

Day 89 - Home at last!