Day 103 - When you can't do it all!

My biggest weakness in life has always been asking or accepting help. I like to be able to do everything and take care of everyone. I have been doing that since I was 7 years old and it is a HARD habit to break!

This morning with news that M2 was not progressing as hoped I realized I seriously could not do this by myself. I am already shuffling 2 kids with me everywhere and doing about a million things! I can't predict how the next 2 weeks will be but at this point I know that I can not clear this post and move us and keep this house together and take care of M2 and take care of 3 children and a dog by myself. So I am going to accept some help and let the 2 little ones go take a "vacation" to the 'sippi for the next 2 weeks. That relieves a HUGE load off my shoulders and lets me just be able to concentrate on M2 and moving. E will stay to finish school but she is at the age where she is more a help than a hindrance when it comes to getting things done. Not that my precious other 2 are hindrances - but one hangs on my leg all day and the other one gets stepped on every time I turn around so that isn't conducive to moving :)! I am sure they will be fine and have a great vacation! I am forever grateful that I married a man with an outstanding family that have always been very supportive and I am SO grateful for his aunt and uncle who have offered this help!

I have a TREMENDOUS amount of help offered here as well and I have never been more grateful to live in a military community where I have more "family" than in real life. I am and will be forever grateful to you all and I finally said yes and have accepted help from several of those wonderful people.

I feel at peace tonight and I feel better than I have in 3 days about this situation. I am looking on the positive for tomorrow and I am so hopeful that M2 will be home soon and recover fully!

Day 102 - Just when you think ...

This has been a very long and trying day. As many of you know, M2 landed in the hospital yesterday with a condition known as Rhabdomyolysis. He fell ill Monday and continued to think that he was fine and just sore and tired. Wednesday morning things drastically got worse and I took him to the ER. Thank goodness we did that. He will be in the hospital until his CK(?) levels drop below 4000. They are currently at 36000. Normal peoples are 200. When admitted his were 41000 so we are making some SLIGHT progress going down. Although the staff at the hospital wanted to see that number cut in half by today so we faced a little bit of discouragement with that. Also, today his pain level has increased so I think he is feeling a little discouraged with that as well. He wants to just be home and help with everything and that is not what his body needs right now.

In case I have failed to mention to my blog audience - we have movers coming in THIRTEEN days!! I am trying to take everything in stride but this evening I am falling apart a little. I am so incredibly OVERwhelmed and yet I can't seem to focus enough to make a decision about what I should do at this point. I have family the kids can go and stay with possibly while I get all this stuff here taken care of - but it's the end of E's time here and she needs these last 2 weeks to say goodbye. Or does she? B and EL are facing a little trauma from Daddy being home and all the sudden gone again. I seriously feel paralyzed from making decisions. I am just focusing on the one day at a time in hopes that we will make it through this with everything we need to get done and that M2 will be able to go do this thing he has been SO incredibly passionate about. Because it seems like after everything, just when you think it is all going to be okay ... the ROOF CAVES IN!!

That's not what is happening here though ... I am just venting my current feelings. I know I will wake up tomorrow and be able to just get this all done and I know this is in God's hands.

Prayers for M2 tonight.

Day 97 - A great night continued

Last night I was able to spend almost 7 hours outside of the house kid free with all my favorite girls! We had a BLAST!

We went to see Water For Elephants and then to a Japanese Steakhouse for "supper" (yes, that's what it's called - don't know what this "dinner" thing is!) and ended the evening with a late night pie run to Frisch's "Baby" Boy. I think it is actually suppose to be Big Boy but we have one girl in the group who insisted on calling it Baby Boy!

All of these girls are currently going through this deployment so it was VERY nice to get to see them all laugh and smile and look care free for the moment!

I am a huge proponent of inside jokes. I love them. I know it annoys the heck out of all the people that do not have a clue as to what is being said but it's always nice to have something that just one group can relate to or identify with. Makes the memories more unique and special.

So some VERY good one liners from last night ...

"... and that's why we were outside humping big boy ... "

"like hand blown glass ..."

"I can just see ----- coming in to borrow the nintendo and picking it up and say hey what's this ..."

"Ok woman I can be down here on my knees all night!'

"FRISCH"S BABY BOY ... PIIEEEE"

And I am totally throwing this one in from today because it is as equally great of a memory...

"what about the Big Red One patch?"

Someday when I am very lonely and missing you girls I will look back on this post and read these lines and LAUGH and probably miss you all a little more. I will mostly be laughing at the recurring theme I see here! But at the same time I will be joyously reliving these last few nights out I get to have with you all!

So - It's been dubbed the best night ever! It was pretty great. And I will say we owe it all to my incredible husband! He really came through for us and watched and additional 6 children plus our own 3 for the almost 7 hours! He rocked. It was also so nice to see those kids get some male interaction with all the daddy's deployed. Today some of the girls had to come over so we could practice for an upcoming dance we are doing and they brought their kids back - it was great to see them all crowd M2! I am so thankful that he was courageous enough to do that for us!

Speaking of him - tomorrow is extra special! It's Easter and his birthday!

Here is a GREAT pic of our group!

Day 96 - A great night!

"And that was why we were outside humping Big Boy ... "

to be continued ...

Day 94 - "Reintegration"

There is only one thing harder for me than to say goodbye to M2 when he leaves - reintegrating him into our lives.

Most of you army wives will totally get this but I think it might be harder for some of you who don't have long periods of your life you spend away from your spouse to understand. He's home safe and we are together - what could be so difficult? Right?

For me, it doesn't matter if it's a 15 day field training exercise , 30 days spent at NTC, 90 days in Afghanistan, or a year in Africa - It's all the same when it comes to reintegrating our family. I actually like the word "amalgamate". The Oxford Dictionary defines the word as "combine or unite to form one organization or structure". This is exactly our goal - to unite again as one.

So what's so hard? Well, when M2 leaves I become fiercely independent. Matter of fact, until M2 came into my life I considered myself the most independent person I knew. It's a different type of independence as well. If he were going on a business trip to Europe or something - I'd still have to become independent to make it while he was away. But this is different. Sending a husband to war requires a different, unique independence. Not only are we in need of being able to do everything for our families alone - we are learning to brace ourselves for the chance he may not return and we will need to do this forever. We become stronger, unfortunately sometimes harder, individuals. This is a hard thing to just snap out of the second he gets home.

On top of that I have to keep our family on a tighter, stricter routine because there is only one adult. The laxed household that we ran together becomes a well oiled machine that runs like clock work! I have a schedule that, for once, isn't effected by someone else meaning that most days it goes off without a hitch. Then M2 comes home ... "wah wah wah" ...

EVERYTHING changes.

There is someone here to challenge my independence. There is someone here who also has a schedule that does not correlate with mine. There is another person disciplining our children COMPLETELY different than usual. There is an adult in my home!! AHH!!!

Most of these things will eventually work themselves out. It is a hard, sometimes painful process. I will give up a lot of that independence because that is what we need to be able to function as a united couple and that hard exterior that I have built for the "In cases" will eventually sloth off. Our schedules will start to coincide as we both communicate what we need and each of us adjust. And eventually it will feel normal to me again to have an adult in my home!

Eventually. I sure hope eventually hurries up!

Yet, don't get me wrong! I LOVE that he is home again. I just want people to understand that the coming home process can be challenging and difficult. Something that, especially if you are a first time army family, you definitely need to prepare yourself for!!

Day 91 - My girls!

I went to my last OFS (Operation Faithful Support) group tonight. It was a very sad realization for me!! It was a great night though. I love the OFS group and the topics and discussion but I also LOVE that after every OFS meeting a group of us girls go out to Mexican afterwards!

This by no means includes all the girls I have grown to love here but this is a group of some of my closest and dearest!

Yes girls there was a better picture of all of us looking at the camera but this one was TOO funny and I think represented this group well! Very typical!

Can I come up once a month and still go to your OFS meetings?!?!

Tomorrow starts M2's reintegration and clearing process. I have lots of anxiety about getting everything done that needs to be done in the short time we have but I know somehow it always works out. This will not be the first time we have moved last minute! The GREAT news is that the new post already assigned us a home so unlike when we moved here we don't have to worry about being homeless for a few weeks/months!

Still I want to scream when I think about the word "moving"!!! So for as long as I can I will not think about it - I will soak up ALL the time I can from my friends and this post and this community!!

Day 90 - Say a prayer

I have decided I will continue to blog throughout this year. Yes, my soldier is home but I feel like I have a small place where I might be able to make known the needs and struggles of all my friends who are still going through this year and also a glimpse into how army life changes in an instant. So I really hope to continue this for them.

I will keep in touch with these girls and their families and I will continue to ask of you a great pouring out of prayer and support for them.

This journey will not come to an end for me until every single one of my friends are holding their loved ones again.

So, on this day I ask you to pray for our 2-2 girls. This has been a VERY hard week for them. Pray for the recovery of those injured and for the family of the one that will not return to us. Pray for the men that are still there as they have to process all of this so fast in order to be able to get back to the mission at hand. Pray for the families of those attending to their injured soldiers. Pray for the families of those who are in a constant state of fear for when their turn may come.

My thoughts feel scattered this morning but I know that God knows what they are and who they are for. I love you all.

Day 89 - Home at last!

My soldier is FINALLY home!!

We had pretty good intel that he would be arriving this evening so I took the kids out of school and planned an entire day of keeping myself busy so that I would not get overwhelmed with anxiety!

Woke up, went to a chiropractic appointment, went to the gym and had a grueling workout, went shopping at Target for poster board to make welcome home signs and while I was standing in line all nasty and sweaty from the gym I get a phone call from M2 saying he was actually coming in early. I had 2 hours to get to the airport. Problem was I happened to be 30 minutes from my house which is then another hour from the airport. I panicked at the thought of meeting him looking, not to mention smelling, the way I did!!

Luckily though that flight was delayed for JUST long enough for me to get home, shower and make some posters!

The kids and I got there just as he was walking past security. There little faces LIT up and ironically, my half blind child was the first to spot him and take off running! Being little and squatty like she is though the other 2 had plenty of time to catch up. This caused an argument for the rest of the evening as to who actually touched him first.

I did not expect the overwhelming flood of emotion and relief that came over me. My world spun and at that moment everything was right again. The second my own arms got around him I knew this was all too real. I knew that at least for that moment he was safe and we were going to be okay.

When we were able to talk we both realized that we had both dealt with doubt that we would actually see each other. I was still thinking of the possibilities of what could happen to his plane and he was in return considering what could happen to us on the drive to the airport.

We are reunited, though and I am so thankful to God!

I have failed to mention the family member who showed the MOST love to M2. Yuma, our dog, was ecstatic. She definitely kissed him the most!!

As I am here with my beloved my thoughts and prayers are with our men and families that are still apart. I have an especially heavy heart this evening for one family - a wife I was just beginning to really get to know. She has been in my thoughts every second of M2's reunion with us and I want everyone who reads this to also be thinking and praying for our families that have injured loved ones that might be returning home under different circumstances.

Let us not forget ... let us remain vigilant in prayer.

Day 89 - Home at last!

Day 88 - Please hurry

So - I know that earlier in my blogging career I might have said something like ...

Time will not compromise itself for us. It is a constant and it will not accept our request for more or less of it. We say, "If only I had more time I would do ___" and then turn around and say "I wish time would speed up". Maybe we need to all just start accepting time for what it is and using it!

I wasn't talking about today though!

PLEASE TIME SPEED UP!!!

Tomorrow will be Day 89 ... maybe, just maybe I will not see 90.

Day 87 - Sand

I have a love/hate relationship with sand.

We just got back from a week on the beach and the sand where my grandparents live is gorgeous! I love to look at it and feel it under my feet. YET my biggest fear is seeing my child SIT in it! Sand gets EVERYWHERE!!! I had to take them to the shower and use the hand held shower head spraying hard all over them to get it off! I am still finding sand in B's ears from where the other kids BURIED him!

Today I experienced microdermabrasion for the first time. I had no idea that it was sand they would be blasting all over my face. Of course if I had read at all about it beforehand I would have known but I didn't. I was just looking for something relaxing at a spa that also might take the last 3 months worth of worry off my face! It was relaxing but now there is sand all in MY ears.

Lastly, M2 may NEVER make it home!!! He should have been on his way! But he got stuck in some small country I have honestly never heard of and flights are being canceled because of SANDSTORMS!!! Honestly?!?! We can't make a plane that can fly through a sandstorm yet? We can see like a quadrupletrillion light years away but we can not fly when some wind blows around a little sand.

I am so done with delays and now I foresee making it to 90 days after all.

At least now I have had time to make sure the house is CLEAN :)!

Day 86 - Sorrow and Joy

My heart is heavy with sorrow this day - my soul abundant with joy.

I am struggling with the knowledge that the two can coexist. Sometimes I feel guilt that they are residing together.

This time in my life has been filled with months of sorrow. On this day a friend is putting to rest her beloved. My sorrow for her is great. My sorrow for the 2 families in our unit that have already put to rest their loved ones is almost as great. My sorrow for those families in our unit sitting at the bedsides of their injured soldiers is great. I have opened my heart to more people that ever before here and my heart aches for them as they endure the months ahead of uncertainty and separation. My heart yearns for the safety of their loved ones. I know that even as the months come and I go I will live this year out with my heart still here, with my heart still intricately connected to these women and this place. They will forever be on my mind and their sorrow will be my sorrow.

Yet, on this day I feel joyous. My own love is coming home and my heart is exploding with joy at the thought of his face. I am joyous that God has spared us this year. I am joyous that my children's hearts will be at ease with the sight of their Daddy. I am joyous that M2's parents hearts can rest. I am joyous that after the last 2 years that M2 has endured of stressful positions, long hours, and lots of time away from our family that he will be getting a small reprieve and then entering a job he truly has passion for!

With all of these feelings comes an overwhelming sense of guilt. I am struggling with the fact that sorrow and joy can coexist. It exists on the cross. We are overwhelmingly joyful for our salvation that could come no other way. Yet, our sorrow should be great for how it was purchased. God's sorrow for His son was great - His joy for His redeemed people is as great.

I have been holding back my joy because of this guilt.

But today I will rejoice that my loved one is near as I grieve alongside those whose loved ones are not.

Day 84 - WHAT??

As of today, M2 could be home anywhere from 48 hours to 14 days. At the thought of 48 hours I start to completely FREAK out! I was NOT prepared for that.

I thought I had more time! The house is a WRECK! I am a WRECK!! The kids are all WRECKS!!! The best thing would be to just relax and be honest up front with him on what to expect.

So here it goes ...

1. You said you were leaving for a year so I might have moved all your clothes out of the closet so I had more space for all the ones I bought with deployment pay ... I fully intended to move them all back from the basement but time ran out :(.

2. That new car you rode in once. The one you said "absolutely NO food in"! Well - I fully intended on vacuuming out all the crumbs before you got back.

3. If you walk in and wonder if I am getting ready for a clothes drive in our living room the answer is no - that's 3 months of unfolded clothes.

4. The grass I swore I'd cut if you just got me a fence - well I planned on borrowing the neighbors lawnmower once but they were out of town. Sure they are in town now and have been for the last 3 weeks but I just never got around to it.

5. While we talk about the high grass - I should warn you that while YOU cut it be careful because I am sure that I only picked up dog poop once in the middle of February. I think it was on day 30 something so that would be about 60 something piles you are going to want to avoid.

6. I might have just forgotten to call transportation. But look on the bright side - we can always do a DITY move! Think of the money we will make :)!

7. Apparently recycling doesn't take itself out. I promise the treadmill is still there - under it all!

8. I know you are starving and I meant to go to the market this Saturday but sleep sounded so much better! But the lack of food in the house just means we get to go to the Mayan Cafe! (If it's closed how does PB&J's sound? We've been living off of them!)

9. I thought I had plenty of time to take the kids down to the Skidmore's and have their fingernails cut. I know they look scary and when they hug you it hurts. But believe it or not you get use to it.

10. And FINALLY, do not be alarmed - yes that old lady with no make-up on is your wife! That $60 bottle I bought 2 weeks ago I accidently left at a rest stop somewhere in GA. I do NOT have the time to go get some more! So - this is me babe!

Ok - now that all of this is out in the open I can go relax and watch season 4 of Army Wives ... ah hem .... I mean fold laundry.

Day 83 - Rest!

Today I rested! I haven't rested like this in months. My children were supportive today and allowed me to spend a lot of alone time in my room. I slept on and off, skyped with M2, caught a few episodes of Army Wives, Facebooked like CRAZY, cried a lot, laughed a little, and slept some more :)! It was great! Even right now as I type this I have 3 little ones in my kitchen trying to wash the dishes! I love when my children are like this. (Of course they are trying to pay me back for making them a flatbread pizza out of scratch - sauce and all!)

I have been waiting for this day for a long time! M2 will definitely be returning home soon and we will definitely be moving in a month. I can't seem to wrap my head around all the changes my life is about to take so suddenly. I was completely ready for this 12 month deployment and I know we would have made it through. I am excited for the change though and also a little reluctant. I have mixed feelings today. Whereas I want M2 home more than anything, I also feel burdened with leaving my friends behind as they continue to face this year. Especially after these last few weeks. Yet, I know that these are some of the strongest women I will ever have the pleasure to know and they will do great. I love them all.

So, today starts a new countdown. I am hoping to not have to see a day 90!

Day 82 - Broken Hearted

This pass week has been one of the hardest of this deployment.

I drove over 14 hours last Saturday to vacation at my grandparents house on the beach. It was suppose to be my reprieve from this mess. Early Monday morning I received a phone call that literally SHOOK my world.

On Sunday morning I woke up and after a few hours I had a good sense that something had happened overseas with our men. M2 had not called to see that we made it safe and I continued to not hear from him throughout that day. Those days are hard. Us Army wives will start calling each other and confirm that no one has spoken with their soldier. I was assured that something happened by late Sunday evening and just prayed it was minor. I went to bed after promising several friends I would call if I heard anything and they promised the same.

Then early Monday morning I received a phone call. There had been a death with the unit. It was a friend's husband. I could not even comprehend what I was hearing.

I drove back early from vacation to be able to attend the Memorial this morning. It was heartbreaking. I am reminded of what sacrifice is. I am reminded of how our families pay for our freedoms. I am reminded that war, although necessary, is ugly.

My friend was an inspiration to me this morning. She gracefully held her head high and with the same strength her husband had - she faced this day.

As this deployment began I started to feel more separated from the civilian world. I feel like most of them are not remembering what is going on - who is dying - for them. It saddens me. People please remember. Do not become numb because we have been under this weight for 10 years. Do not become forgetful because the news stops running as many stories. Remember! Remember that on this day a beautiful wife has given you her husband and two precious children have given you their Daddy. They have said they will bear the cost for you. They will not stop bearing it today. They will bear it for the rest of their lives.

Do not forget them.

Do not forget that freedom is not free.

Day 78 - Vacationing!

This is just a friendly notice to those few who read - we are VACATIONING for the next week!!!! I am still unsure how much I will be blogging because I don't want sand to get in my laptop and I plan on staying on the beach the entire time!!

Here's to wishing M2 was here to share it!