Butterflies ...

For the past 8 years now, M2 and I have barely spent a moment truly alone. As soon as we had E he moved roughly 7500 miles away! Talk about cold feet regarding parenthood ;)!

Ever since that child was born I have had a difficult time spending more than a night away. As soon as he returned from that first deployment we decided to move across country. E was turning a year and we thought it best for her to fly out to Oregon with her Nana while we did the long move out there with a Uhaul. After the long separation we were ecstatic to be able to spend a week on the road together! Then came that first night in the hotel room, alone, with no E. I PANICKED! The next day was harder, looking back I am amazed at my insanity, we, mainly me, decided that a week long trip with romantic stops was not necessary after all and we should just book it on over there and collect my child! Not that I did not trust she'd be fine - I actually missed her. Crazy, I know!

Luckily, we lived the next 3 years close to Nana and Gramps and we had the occasional "night out" and one weekend alone on the Oregon coast that resulted in B! I had the hardest time leaving B. He would not drink from a bottle which meant I had to be available at least once every 4 hours. He was well over one the first time I left him for a weekend. We went back over to the Oregon coast to have a "babymoon" since we were expecting EL's appearance soon. It was nice and relaxing but FULL of anxiety about B spending 2 days without me. Haha - 2 days!

Looking back on our 3 years in Oregon so close to so many friends and family, M2 and I laugh that we should have known better and taken more time together - alone. Once we moved from there - we've been moving constantly. Finding someone to babysit has been hard. There were a few times we got lucky over the past 4 years and found someone to keep them all 3 for a night. But I can count those times on one hand.

So this year we decided that we would take a weekend away somewhere in celebration of the 10 years we have spent married. The perfect opportunity came up when M2 was told he would be going on a staff ride to New Orleans and was allowed to take his spouse! Not only are we going to get a weekend together but someone else planned it! If you know us, you know this is what it takes for us to do anything - someone else to plan it! Thankfully, M2's aunt and my sister agreed to tag- team for the weekend and take care of the kiddos. I will forever be grateful!

I am ECSTATIC!!

Tomorrow starts our "mini" vacation! I am resolved to not ask M2 ONE time what he thinks the kids are doing, how they are feeling, can he please call and find out?, or anything child related! What I AM going to do is spend 4 days remembering who M2 is as a husband not just a father. Nourishing a relationship that hasn't had a chance to relax in quite awhile. And to find a moment in there where I feel butterflies in my stomach once again from just holding his hand .... people it's possible even after 10 years - I promise!

Make your neighbor be you?

For as long as E has been able to listen we have tried to pound into her the biblical saying "treat your neighbor as yourself". Watching the way she treats her siblings and friends you'd think she has never ONCE listened! She has that "oldest" complex and demands that everything be done her way, every game that is played be her idea, every meal we eat be what she wants.

We are starting our 4th week of school. We LOVE the curriculum we chose this year. We went through a company called Sonlight and they assemble the entire year for you. Everything you need - even supplies. It's great! It cost about the same as a used car would have but, hey, it's worth it if I don't have to do anything but follow a manuel! The company is a Christian company, therefore most of the curriculum they chose to utilize is bibical - yet they still use secular science resources and several secular books. I love this - it means that my child can still hear about God in school - yet not be shocked when she hears something different when she sets her feet in "real" school again.

ALL of this to say that every morning E has to begin school with a Bible reading from the Old Testament and one from the New. This morning her passage from the New happened to be the one in Luke about treating your neighbor as yourself. She was sitting on the couch reading and I looked over and saw a very puzzled look on her face. She looked over at me and said, "I think I might have just learned something from the Bible". I giggled inside and asked her what. She tells me that she read the passage about treating your neighbor as yourself and that after it says that it gives several examples. She promptly adds here that I have never given her an example (What a HORRIBLE parent am I?) and that now she knows she was not understanding me correctly. She thought if you treat someone as yourself - you make them do what yourself would do. Naturally - right?! Make your neighbor be you?! If Brett was playing legos and it was not the way she would play with them then the biblical thing to do would be to stop him and make him play the "right" way. The E way. In her mind she had that adage down!

Not sure if this will change her little world or not. But as she was putting away her books she sighed and said, "Now that I know I can stop trying to make them be me I bet I won't ever get in trouble again."

If only it will work that easily ... and if only I could believe that it was all do to my non-explanation of a saying that has led to her selfish ways ... In reality, I think she is about to learn how hard it is to "treat someone as yourself".

Leaving the "closed door" behind.

I am giving up.

I obviously have not done a great job at keeping up with this thing since leaving my life behind.

There lies the problem .... I have felt like I have "left my life behind". I have sat here day after day thinking about my life as if it is somewhere else.

Not here.

After a long, and I mean looonnngg, week of tears being shed over something that will never be again I am choosing to move on. Even if right now I do not like that my life is here - this is where it is and I need to chose to make the best of what is now. Therefore, I am ending this segment of my blog.

A very bright woman once said, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us". That was Helen Keller.

It's so very true here. I have looked back so intently on the happiness I had at Knox that I have almost failed to realize that M2 is here! And that he won't be here forever. He will leave again - so NOW is the time to soak him up. For our family to soak up unity.

This post will officially end this chapter of my life. My husband is home. I will still ache for those who are not and my thoughts will ever be with my friends who are pressing on towards that 365 day mark.

Here's the light at the end of the tunnel!

I am STILL going to blog! I am going to express the joys and woes of my "now". I have missed it. And there have been so many times I have wanted to blog about something that just happened and then had an overwhelming guilt that it was not related to my dear life with the 2-2. So - guilt behind me - I am moving on. I am sure Knox and it's WONDERFUL ladies will still make it into my blog plenty! I am actually going back in a few weeks to run a Rugged Maniac race with them!

Thanks to those that, through reading this, prayed for our family during those months that we were apart, we FELT every one. Thank you to those that continue to pray for those that are not home yet. And more than anything - Thank you to all those that made my life at the 2-2 almost unbearable to leave behind.

So not really giving up - but more like going on ...