I should probably put the laptop down right now and not proceed with blogging. Sometimes on days when your eyes are red from countless tears and your heart feels burdened you should back away from the keyboard before you type something dramatic to only regret it tomorrow!
But I'm going to throw caution to the wind ...
Today has been HARD! I have spent almost half of every hour since I woke up crying. My only consolation at this point is that maybe this emotional roller coaster I am on means I am pregnant!! (Lets all collectively cross our fingers!) I am sure as M2 reads this he will be pleading that no one sends up a prayer for me that the "Vacancy" sign on my womb suddenly flashes to "No Vacancies"! Ignore him though - we need another baby pronto! I'm getting old people! I am also getting WAY off track here ...
Back to the reason behind the emotional roller coaster because let's face it - the tubal ligation I had probably means it is NOT a pregnancy. We, as a family, have fought hard for the last 4 years to maintain ourselves as a one car family. We have reasons. Economical ones, environmental ones (yes we are tree-huggers, love us anyways), but most importantly, familial ones! We have gone through stages where we both had a car and the kids and I did our own thing and M2 did his own thing and we got very disconnected in ways we did not even know. Then, through a set of circumstances that an entirely different blog could be written about, we ended up selling our second car to some friends. This was going to be temporary because M2 had already planned on buying his dream car, at the time a Honda truck, as soon as we moved to our next duty station. But then something kind of cool happened. We squeezed into a routine of one car. It made us rely on each other more, it made us compromise and work together, it forced us to communicate more, it meant that we went EVERYWHERE as a family. When you face challenges and work together to overcome them - it only makes you grow stronger. We grew stronger as a family. We made a decision to stay a one car family and keep working to make it work.
Each move we go through some growing pains as we figure out new routines and new ways to give and take. This move has been especially hard so far. We live off post. The schedule M2 works is not predictable in the least right now (not that in the Army it ever has been but we have been able to guesstimate pretty well in the past). We have had several episodes of disappointment as schedules change and activities are missed. Right now we are on the verge of throwing the towel in and heading to the nearest Honda dealership and for some reason that is causing me to be an emotional wreck! I feel like the entire dynamic of our family is about to change, entirely! (I know I am RIGHT in the midst of crazy right now - who else in the world thinks purchasing a second car will throw the entire world off balance? Not a sane person, I tell you!)
Maybe it is time to give up on the one car dream. Or maybe it is time to reach down to our depths and stretch ourselves in a way we never have and figure out a way to make this work. Which is why I shouldn't be blogging this. Usually I blog right as I am coming out of a whirlwind and have come to some conclusion or learned some lesson that I feel like sharing with the world.
Not this time. I'll cry on it some more and let you know ...
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