The calm after the storm

It started with a donut and ended with a broken heart.

E, our oldest, has a LOT of food restrictions.

I have blogged several times in the past about what the "diet" entails and why we chose to try it and the results we have gotten. In case you missed that though, in a nutshell ...

- no artificial anythings, (dyes, sweetners)

- no preservatives,

- no pesticides,

- and more recently limited grains/dairy.

Pretty much adhering to it has been the hardest, most satisfying accomplishment of my parenthood thus far. When we stick to it 100% then that child can accomplish amazing things. When we slip up, which happens, then we see what we call "the fog" set in and when "the fog" sets in then my pre-schooler can get more done than E. She struggles understanding simple things and is more emotional than a pregnant woman. We deal with outbursts that usually end in some form of violence and 24/48 hours of non-stop crying! We all suffer. Before the diet change we were considering medicating for that reason alone - of course it was hard to see E suffer but it was harder watching the entire family suffer along the emotional roller coaster of her life. Since the change our family has grown closer by leaps and bounds. It's because of all this that I am so darn strict, controlling, of what she gets a hold of. Because children are sinners ... and as sinners we all want to eat that forbidden fruit no matter the ugly consequences.

Sundays are hard. We go to a Southern Baptist church in the South. Pretty much that translates to large helpings of sugary food around every corner on every Sunday morning. E has had a lot of experience with telling people "no thank-you". Her pediatrician explained to her last year that these restrictions were not optional any longer and were allergies and she would need to start explaining to people what she was allergic to. We encourage her to tell what she wants. If that's just "I am allergic to sugar" then thats great, if she feels the need to say, "I have a form of autism aggravated by those foods", then good for her. If she would prefer, "If I eat that then I will turn into a horn-bearing creature that will torment those around me for days and my mother will force you to take me home with you!" then even better!! We want her to obey the rules but still remain comfortable in the setting.

Back to Sunday ...

She can now go off by herself to her class. She loves the independence. My class is just right down the hall. As I was walking to my class I caught a glimpse of her sitting alone, almost hiding in the back corner of her class. I wanted to just go in and remind her that she was suppose to start trying to join the group. That's when I saw the panicked look on her face and the tears streaming down her cheeks as she shoved the last of a donut in her mouth. I could have been mad ... but I wasn't. I just wanted to hold her in that moment because I realized she acted impulsively and even before she was done with the action she felt bad for doing it. When she saw me she burst into wails that drew the attention of the adults in the room. I took her into the hallway and she instantly started telling me she felt so bad for the decision and she already knew how she was going to feel and ended with a, "I promise when I feel bad tomorrow I will control it". If only it were that easy.

Yesterday was HELL. She cried over simple addition (she's been multiplying for weeks). She slapped, punched, yelled, snatched ... all the while I feebly attempted to remind her of her promise. But there was no use. She knew her thinking was foggy and she knew exactly why and I have never seen a child regret a decision so much. She couldn't taste the donut anymore ... the temporary "feel good" of the sin was gone, leaving behind the ugliness of it. The only consolation when this happens is that maybe she will learn this lesson at 8 and not 18. The consequences of instant gratifications last longer than an instant.

This morning when she woke up and sat reading calmly in her bed, I realized the "other" E was back. (My grandfather use to say there were 2 "E's", the good and the bad) The morning was so smooth and she was even able to finish school by lunch, a rarity. After lunch she brought me a book called, "Different Like Me". She got it from the library recently and it is about other famous people who had autism traits. She wanted to tell me something about Isaac Newton but instead she ended up telling me about how happy and sad she was that she had Aspergers. She let me in like she never has before. She said she felt special because she could do so many things kids her age couldn't and that made her happy, but she was sad because no matter how hard she tried those girls in her Sunday School class would never be her friends, they would never understand her. She let me know she didn't think there was a place she'd "fit in". She cried. I cried. A good calming cry - nothing like the raging storm of the day before.

After we talked and reconciled all that happened - I saw a more confident, content, calmed E emerge.

It was a simple reminder that when our bad choices put us in a dark place that hope is always around the corner. God can take us from that ugly place and emerge us better people if we allow Him to. Staying in that place of regret is where the harm lies.

It almost made me glad for the donut ... almost.

"It's not funny"

My youngest came into this world and completely stole my heart and unfortunately she knows it. She is the one that would rather lay in bed an extra 15 minutes in the morning if it means she can snuggle with me. She's the one that randomly runs up to me and throws her arms around me or showers me with kisses. She sneaks up to me each morning during breakfast and patiently waits for me to share with her. She doesn't really have to ask, those huge eyes behind her glasses pleading up at me is all it takes! Since the day she was born she has been able to make herself content wherever she is and because of that I hardly ever have to discipline her. If the answer is no she will be the first to accept that and move on. I honestly don't know what our family would be like without her!

All of that to say she would probably float through life fine, charming those she needs to charm along the way if it weren't for One.Little.Thing. That child is the MOST sarcastic individual alive. Sarcastic and honest. So - mostly sarcastically honest. Not good combinations. If you are sarcastic in a joking manner - that can fly. If you are just brutally honest in a sincere way - that might work too. BUT - if you are honest with sarcasm dripping from your lips - well that doesn't always fare well!

Folding laundry together, I pulled out her character shirt from the movie Tangled. It was all twisted up so I remarked to her, hey look this is "tangled". I chuckled at my play on words. She looked up at me and said, "I know you think that is funny because the shirt is a Tangled shirt and it's tangled up, but it's not funny, sooo give me my shirt." All I could do was hand over the shirt in shock while trying to remind myself 4 year olds should not be able to hurt my feelings! I don't think for a second she is trying to be disrespectful.

That is just how she is ... so I am praying extra hard for her husband now!

Complain Campaigns

Somedays I get fed up with my kids. (*gasp*)

It's not that I don't love them - I do. They are pretty much the best kids I have ever met and most times I am proud to call them mine. For example, this Sunday I had to be a helper in the pre-school on Sunday morning. Completely NOT my favorite thing to do! They combined the 4 and 5 year olds for about 20 minutes for a film. The kids were suppose to be sitting still and watching the film but it was TOTAL chaos. Kids were using chair legs to sword fight, climbing on window sills, climbing on tables, licking the floors, you name it and it was being done! I tried, oh did I ever try, to get them seated and listening. It was no use! I gave up and leaned against the back wall to watch the chaos unfold when another helping mom commented to me on how she thought the movie might be boring to that age group because there happened to only be 2 kids sitting still watching, participating. I proudly exclaimed, "That's because those two belong to me!". (It so came across as a snide comment but it was not intended that way!) My two little ones were either convicted that church was not the place for rough housing OR they were TERRIFIED to misbehave with Mommy in the room. Either way I let them know how proud I was to be their mom!

Yet - I am with these same 3 people almost every hour of every day! My only break during the week is the hour or so I participate in a local crossfit group. And even then they are just one room away! I never regret giving up myself to be home with them. I never regret homeschooling. But let me tell you - that is TOO much time to spend with someone without the occasional feeling of not being able to stand them! Yep, I said it. Sometimes I cannot STAND them! They plan "complain campaigns" against me where they coordinate with each other so that someone is complaining in some capacity every minute of every waking hour! And I used to feel guilty for the moments when I could not stand them.

Until this morning that is.

In Brett's Bible study we have been talking about the wandering Israelites. In case you did not know this already, they wrote the manual on complaining. It's called Exodus and Numbers. All they do is complain. As we picked up our reading in Numbers this morning, they were of course complaining again. This time they wanted meat and they set their minds on complaining until they got it. Sound familiar, parents? I was shocked when Moses, who has tolerated a lot of complaining and on several accounts has cried out to God FOR his people, this time cries out to God asking why he has to lead such a childish group of whining people who are never thankful for ANYTHING he does for them or God does for them and all they want to do is sit around and cry and he finishes out with asking God to just go ahead and kill him so he doesn't have to listen to it anymore. (That was paraphrased - greatly paraphrased!) Basically - Moses could not stand them anymore! God appoints Moses helpers to deal with the complaining and also gives the people what they want - LOTS of quail. So much that the people get sick and some even die. Careful kids what you ask for :)!

Back to my point - It is completely acceptable as parents to get burned out. There will be moments, months maybe, where we have a hard time "standing" those we have been blessed with. They will complain us to almost death! But God hears our tired, exhausted cries. He will send us help and we will eventually be able to see the fruits of our labors. Moses stuck with the people and was able to look over and see the Promised land. If we stick with parenting the way God tells us, which can be hard and exhausting, then one day we will look over at that kid we had such a hard time with and see a grown, mature adult we are proud to call ours!

(Or we can give them all the quail they want until it kills them.)

Who could not stand those cute faces!